"Self-doubt is an inescapable feature of some anxiety disorders, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder. But people who suffer from other types of anxiety can also feel plagued by it. Sometimes to the point of paralysis when faced with important decisions."
**This is a continuation of my last post, Navigating Career Crossroads
What is my dream job? If I could do something that I love, what would it be? Pilates Instructor. It’s never going to happen, but I fantasize about it often.
My first experience with Pilates was in early 2014. I graduated from LSU in December 2013, but hadn’t landed a job yet, and I needed something to do in my free time. While driving through town one day, I noticed a Yoga/Pilates/Barre studio that had recently opened. I was interested in trying Yoga, so I purchased a membership at the studio. This gave me access to all the different classes. I quickly discovered that Yoga was not my thing. However, I loved Pilates from the first class! It was challenging, but rewarding.
In July of 2014, I landed a full-time job. Shortly thereafter, I canceled my membership at the studio. The weekend classes were too crowded for my taste; I’d grown accustomed to the smaller weekday classes. Rather than exercising at home, I stopped altogether.
Fast-forward to spring of 2016. I had given birth to my son the previous fall, and the c-section (my second) took a huge toll on my core strength. I couldn’t even do a sit-up. It was (past) time to start exercising again, so I began searching for a Pilates program I could do from home. One name that repeatedly came up in the search results was Blogilates by Cassey Ho. I subscribed to her YouTube channel, determined to get into shape.
And did I ever. I committed myself to exercise 4 or more days a week, even if it was just for 10 minutes at a time. My proudest moment was finally accomplishing the Pilates roll-up – similar to a sit-up, but with your legs extended flat out.
I’m in better shape at 41 than I’ve ever been, though there’s still room for improvement. Any time people ask me what I do to stay in shape, or mention wanting to get back into an exercise routine, I tell them “Do Pilates.” It’s one of the few things I’m passionate about.
While attempting to navigate my recent (ongoing?) career crossroads, I started dreaming of becoming a Mat Pilates Instructor. The idea genuinely excites me. I compiled a list of Pros:
The answer is simple – it’s me. I’m the reason I haven’t done it. I talk myself out of doing things before I ever give them a shot. The voices in my head present many Cons:
Nothing holds me back more than my own self-doubt. Where does it stem from? No one is telling me I can’t do the things I dream of doing. Will, my kids, my family and friends – they all believe in me way more than I believe in myself. So why am I paralyzed from pursuing my dream?
Anxiety. Nervousness. Lack of confidence. Every time I publish a new post, I call Charlotte and ask her to read it and let me know if it’s garbage, or if I can leave it on the blog.
I could have completed my Pilates certification over a year ago – I already have the program picked out. Why haven’t I done it? Because it’s pointless. I’m never actually going to open a studio or create a subscription-based Pilates website or app. I tell myself it’s a waste of time; it won’t be successful. At least that’s how I feel most of the time.
Then some days, I really believe I could do it. Just over the course of writing this post, I’ve been up and down. One minute, I tell myself, “Go for it! Get the certification and figure it out from there. Just take the first step!”
The next minute, I’m back to drowning in self-doubt.
I’ll wrap this up by saying I’m not fishing for votes of confidence; nobody needs to pump up my ego. This is a battle I must fight alone. I wish I had some words of encouragement for those reading this, who are battling the same demon. But I don’t. Yet.
Lastly, it’s obvious from the quote on my sidebar that I’m not a big fan of motivational quotes. However, I ran across the quote below, and I’m going to force myself to read it every day. Maybe I’ll eventually find the courage to act.
© The Monochrome Memoirs